Chapter I

By Daniel Montero in : [un]Tranced // Jul 2 2010

Whenever and whatever I decided to write, it came from the trance. This category, of things I feel like releasing, is from the moments I write just because I felt like doing it. I normally write things with messages in it, with an ideal, an emotion, a simple reason… for this I have none other than exploring what my mind hides in its infinite darkness and inexplicable thoughts.
And so, the adventure of this new chapter begins thinking of the things I’ve done, the things I didn’t, this things I missed and all that cliché chit-chat one will never ever stop thinking about (this is what human minds do most of time, so shut it…)

I would like to start with studies, fuck I hated school (still does) but the lack of concentration in it (due to a mental issue which was not noticed as a little kid) made me hate it even more, my grades sucked at the start and still sucked at the end, the fact that I am intelligent makes it even worst since I could have done great, might have even done excellent, but remorse is one of those emotions that were shut down in the numbness and there’s nothing I can do about it, that means I have to move on and stick with the memory of it the rest of my life, end of part one. I must admit that (N3 keep reading to understand, and the same friend I will not actually introduce in the next paragraph made me feel very bad in the same day, that’s why the memory is fresh enough for me to write)

At night I spend couple of hours talking to a very good friend of mine (since I know him, we’ve been friends, good shit) and well, he started writing his memories and send me part of it so I could read it, most of he’s were about this girl he likes (or doesn’t) and stuff and so I once more went into the deepness of my brain looking for comparison, self-understanding and many others and just by having a small glance into my memory vague and in a couple of milliseconds three images popped in my imagination… The three girls I’ve actually might, have or do feel/felt something for… The three in obviously different chapters of my life, different ages and it’s not like I’m old enough to talk about life since I do not actually know a thing about it, but I know how things can change in one or two years… I’ll start talking about the first one, this one I will refer to as N1, some might call this physical attraction, but well I really liked her in the time (once again, remorse does not affect this feeling), she was and is beautiful, I have to admit, she was not the brightest bulb in the room but oh well, she had this way to express that I liked and she was a very normal person (not a psycho in any way of the word) I had a thing for her, I told her, she did her best not to be mean to me and said no the right way, and well, we were friends for a while, then I realized she was WAY too stupid to be talked too, and nowadays I see her and I feel ashamed for her, poor girl… Then N2 comes in, she felt things for me at the start, that I know for sure, I feel things for her NOW (too late, hehe)… we started as friends, good friends and then best friends, but I’m an asshole who likes to play games with minds and stuff and I’m always evaluating how minds of teenagers work, therefore I made a lot of mistakes (on porpoise) just to check out what would of happen, it worked for me for a long time, I actually had the info I need and I started liking the girl, a while ago I asked myself another of those “what happens if I…” questions and I ruined all our friendship and maybe her last 2 years of school because I’m fucking mean, I really did wrong, remorse does interfere here, I really feel bad for doing shit now and I regret everything now that I’ve realized that she means a LOT to me, never knew what you had until you lost it, perfect match, I still think of her and time to time I feel like shit, knowing that I might (I will) never see her again in my life, the fact that I like her and that I know she also liked me somehow makes it even worst now that she will never forgive me, and she really should, things I did, I am not proud of anymore… I will skip more chit-chat since I do not have intentions of giving up a lot of useless information about me and because it will only make me feel worst… N3, most recent one? Actually I think N2 and N3 are a bit of in the same time frame, never at the same time but very close to each other… I really have thing for her, but she doesn’t like me, or not enough in order to be more than friends, makes me feel sick because just like N2 I know I will never see her again, meaning that I have no more chances with her and it’s just that, fuck I do want her. I’ve tried to take everything seriously with her, no idiotic acts or anything, the only thing I might have done is ignoring her (but it was for my own wellbeing, I mean, being with her HURTS since she does not want me as much as I want her)… And there ends this chapter of my minds idiotic thoughts, girls I had, girls I didn’t, girls I will not, I will miss, sure I will… I really do not feel like talking more about this, this is the hardest thing of all the things I could explore in my mind.

I know that most is written like if I’m going to go away and never come back, I might come back it’s a 50/50 chance I will, but I know that things will never be the same, I might never overcome stuff and therefore I feel sick about it.

I just read my friend’s (the one in the start of the girl’s part) description about me, and I sure will write him back, but not here… This does not have much of a level of importance in order to have such a thing, in the need to, I will just write more of what it’s actually needed. Back to the point, he made me think about my friends, friends I hope I will never lose, friends I love… I think that in this chapter, remorse is never involved since I did a lot with them and I enjoyed everything, even the shitty moments are ok with me now that I’ve overcome then and I’ve become bit mature now. I’ve spent my life with many people and by many I’ve been tagged as someone who can make friends with a lot of people very fast, and I don’t lie, but if I had to sit down and write the names of my real friends, I know I will not fill much. And so I am sorry if I violate your rights for giving your names out, but I don’t care, I will write your names, note that I do not name them in order, they appeared in my mind in unreliable order, it’s hard for me to pick between them, so I will give them equal rights in this writing. I will not describe them, naming them is more than enough for me to fell fulfilled for having them.

Fernando Blanco, Alejandro Estevez, Sorian Leal, Jon Luciow, Emilio Ojeda, Lucas DiGenova, Andres Martin, Adolfo Fernandez, Reinaldo Duarte… These names here are names of which I expect to never forget… I have many other names in mind, people whom I will also never forget but that when I think about, I do not remember as many things as I do with the people mentioned before and so I have decided not to name them I just hope people understand that even if we were friends, you were not as important as these stated before…

And with a flash, the end of Chapter 1 becomes obvious…

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