Gracias!

Tempting, isn't it?

I know there’s something going wrong, I can feel like things are out of place. Steady, I walk, I look down, I laugh at the things below me and then I keep on walking, leaving everything behind, the memories that became nothing but dust in a shed.

Disappointment, I’ve sure found it so many times it stopped amusing me, I had some for breakfast today, I do not have the urge to ask for the things I want, because I know that most I can’t find and still don’t understand.

More written philosophy to sit and discuss about, everything is made of the same things, I have no intention in exploring and discovering the things other have found once. Not gray but blue, everything will turn to dust and it will be blown, from dust we came in dust we’ll live forever.

Cyclic sounds revolve around the world, making people do the things they do, psychological experiment, you are one of those, you are being tested and you have been placed here just to serve as data, because that’s how the world works, data that flows freely around us.

If you are thinking you are sure winning, your lack of innovation does sure amuse me and turns what it used to be calm into a rage so pure. It tempts me to touch, to feel, to create, to embrace and slowly everything starts running red, It tempts me to grab, to disarm, to destroy, to smash and then to experiment the bliss of a new start.

Cycles, circles… Vicious and weak… Messages being dressed up, low profile and unnoticed codes that are compiled by the mind and then executed while you sleep. Change is always present, is always there, tempting the current state to vary and mutate, to strangle the things we are used to see and to deform the letter to create new words and meanings.

Tempting you, consider this a call, an invitation, a new invention… Intentions, manipulation, pathological taboos of society that spread freely within the minds of those who don’t pay enough attention to what’s happening to their selves, you are way too busy to understand what happens around you.
Your life it will be meaningless if you don’t stop to see what’s going on with the time. But that is your life. Tempting, isn’t it? Does it hurt too much too see?

The tank is empty let it dry, I’m suffering… I watch and stare how the world ceases turning.

I would like to start with studies, fuck I hated school (still does) but the lack of concentration in it (due to a mental issue which was not noticed as a little kid) made me hate it even more, my grades sucked at the start and still sucked at the end, the fact that I am intelligent makes it even worst since I could have done great, might have even done excellent, but remorse is one of those emotions that were shut down in the numbness and there’s nothing I can do about it, that means I have to move on and stick with the memory of it the rest of my life, end of part one. I must admit that (N3 keep reading to understand, and the same friend I will not actually introduce in the next paragraph made me feel very bad in the same day, that’s why the memory is fresh enough for me to write)

At night I spend couple of hours talking to a very good friend of mine (since I know him, we’ve been friends, good shit) and well, he started writing his memories and send me part of it so I could read it, most of he’s were about this girl he likes (or doesn’t) and stuff and so I once more went into the deepness of my brain looking for comparison, self-understanding and many others and just by having a small glance into my memory vague and in a couple of milliseconds three images popped in my imagination… The three girls I’ve actually might, have or do feel/felt something for… The three in obviously different chapters of my life, different ages and it’s not like I’m old enough to talk about life since I do not actually know a thing about it, but I know how things can change in one or two years… I’ll start talking about the first one, this one I will refer to as N1, some might call this physical attraction, but well I really liked her in the time (once again, remorse does not affect this feeling), she was and is beautiful, I have to admit, she was not the brightest bulb in the room but oh well, she had this way to express that I liked and she was a very normal person (not a psycho in any way of the word) I had a thing for her, I told her, she did her best not to be mean to me and said no the right way, and well, we were friends for a while, then I realized she was WAY too stupid to be talked too, and nowadays I see her and I feel ashamed for her, poor girl… Then N2 comes in, she felt things for me at the start, that I know for sure, I feel things for her NOW (too late, hehe)… we started as friends, good friends and then best friends, but I’m an asshole who likes to play games with minds and stuff and I’m always evaluating how minds of teenagers work, therefore I made a lot of mistakes (on porpoise) just to check out what would of happen, it worked for me for a long time, I actually had the info I need and I started liking the girl, a while ago I asked myself another of those “what happens if I…” questions and I ruined all our friendship and maybe her last 2 years of school because I’m fucking mean, I really did wrong, remorse does interfere here, I really feel bad for doing shit now and I regret everything now that I’ve realized that she means a LOT to me, never knew what you had until you lost it, perfect match, I still think of her and time to time I feel like shit, knowing that I might (I will) never see her again in my life, the fact that I like her and that I know she also liked me somehow makes it even worst now that she will never forgive me, and she really should, things I did, I am not proud of anymore… I will skip more chit-chat since I do not have intentions of giving up a lot of useless information about me and because it will only make me feel worst… N3, most recent one? Actually I think N2 and N3 are a bit of in the same time frame, never at the same time but very close to each other… I really have thing for her, but she doesn’t like me, or not enough in order to be more than friends, makes me feel sick because just like N2 I know I will never see her again, meaning that I have no more chances with her and it’s just that, fuck I do want her. I’ve tried to take everything seriously with her, no idiotic acts or anything, the only thing I might have done is ignoring her (but it was for my own wellbeing, I mean, being with her HURTS since she does not want me as much as I want her)… And there ends this chapter of my minds idiotic thoughts, girls I had, girls I didn’t, girls I will not, I will miss, sure I will… I really do not feel like talking more about this, this is the hardest thing of all the things I could explore in my mind.

I know that most is written like if I’m going to go away and never come back, I might come back it’s a 50/50 chance I will, but I know that things will never be the same, I might never overcome stuff and therefore I feel sick about it.

I just read my friend’s (the one in the start of the girl’s part) description about me, and I sure will write him back, but not here… This does not have much of a level of importance in order to have such a thing, in the need to, I will just write more of what it’s actually needed. Back to the point, he made me think about my friends, friends I hope I will never lose, friends I love… I think that in this chapter, remorse is never involved since I did a lot with them and I enjoyed everything, even the shitty moments are ok with me now that I’ve overcome then and I’ve become bit mature now. I’ve spent my life with many people and by many I’ve been tagged as someone who can make friends with a lot of people very fast, and I don’t lie, but if I had to sit down and write the names of my real friends, I know I will not fill much. And so I am sorry if I violate your rights for giving your names out, but I don’t care, I will write your names, note that I do not name them in order, they appeared in my mind in unreliable order, it’s hard for me to pick between them, so I will give them equal rights in this writing. I will not describe them, naming them is more than enough for me to fell fulfilled for having them.

Fernando Blanco, Alejandro Estevez, Sorian Leal, Jon Luciow, Emilio Ojeda, Lucas DiGenova, Andres Martin, Adolfo Fernandez, Reinaldo Duarte… These names here are names of which I expect to never forget… I have many other names in mind, people whom I will also never forget but that when I think about, I do not remember as many things as I do with the people mentioned before and so I have decided not to name them I just hope people understand that even if we were friends, you were not as important as these stated before…

And with a flash, the end of Chapter 1 becomes obvious…

...so very empty...

Emptiness, the feeling that you get when this kind of things happen… I always asked my self “how can people know when this happens? How does people know how this feels?”… This whole month made me realize that this is how it feels, it happens when you ignore the words I spoke to you…

I just felt like running away from it all, with no remorse and no doubt about things, this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you… And this is who I am when I don’t know myself anymore, mistakes have made a very deep scar into my soul, leaving me alone and hurt. I’ve spent thinking so much about this, this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me.

I decided to stop, to let you go, to avoid more issues and just let it flow… There’s no taking back, I can’t rewind and fix the error I’ve made and… I really don’t feel like doing it at all.

I’m going without a fight, I think it’s worthless to fight it, there’s no use to it… I know there is still a day for me and even one short moment is still enough for me! I will keep on waiting for the day that will come, I’ll just wait for the sunlight, wait for the one that will bring me peace of mind and you can do what you want with the sea, but the rest of the sun belongs to me.

After all the sorrow and the pain had drained me, I asked my self “between love and hate, which path should I follow? How can I still have faith in this?”… By the end of the night I decided to build my own path, I shall not hate you and I shall not love you… You were the burden that kept me here, I will not allow myself to fall into humiliation and misery, even if you were the halo that kept me alive once.

If I survive this endless war, I will fly from here, I will leave you in the past, and I will become a better person, I will not be a pessimist and I wont restrict my self from the things I haven’t done in the past before. I will find the solution and will make things just how they are supposed to be! Even if i have to start all over.

“Would you choose supremacy, even if it led to isolation? Will you be able to handle with the solitude?” I’m tired of being so hopeless, I will not allow you to bring me down, even isolation and solitude has an end, I will find someone else to fill the space you’ve left… It might not be the right time to jump into conclusions and I might not be the right one to decide what should you do, but I can sure decide who to be attached to.

Not even a minute had passed and I found what I’ve been searching for, in something I’ve always had. It was a glimpse, just a little flash and I found myself again trapped in with someone else, it happened so fast that I told myself that it would end the same way… Still, I stand tall and face it, if it happens again, I’ll just stand up and even if it hurts, I will not bow down to the issue that’s been chasing me for so much time.

Even tough, I’ll miss you more than anyone in my life, the numbness is the one thing that I can’t simply trash and leave behind with no reason at all.

Obvious...

Everything that starts has an end, that’s very obvious for those who think hard enough…For me it’s very difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and downed after throwing you the obvious, here I might be expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded but when I look right through, I see you naked but oblivious, and I’m down among a million, you just don’t see me at all… I see through it all and I see you too, almost in my reflection as a walk over the rain… But oh well, for you, apparently nothing at all.

I feel like I’m lying to myself again, and I think that’s very normal… After all I know myself and well, I’m such a suicidal imbecile… But I understand somehow, you see, I’m far beyond a visible sign of your awakening and I would be failing miserably to find a way to comfort you, I’m still trying to figure the why out of that one. But it seems that I can’t think about it or put it on the fault line!

What I will I am… Wise words, hope you get what I mean… Lying all alone and restless, unable to lose this image and once again I’m sleepless, unable to focus on anything but you. Tell me what’ll it take to get it through to you precious?! You see, I can’t get over this.

And someone please tell me, why would I want to throw myself away like this, I’m trapped inside a mess so big I doubt I could work myself out of this, and I don’t want to watch myself while I disconnect and self-destruct one bullet at a time, I just want you to understand that it is your fault that I’ve come to this, what’s your rush now? I know that everyone will have his day to die, why would you want to make it shorter for me?…

I’ve told you the same things so many times, the same message hidden behind the same words; tell me, if I changed the signs, would you even take notice? Is this all you are meant to be? I know that you look at me, you see the picture perfect, I’m always so numb and even narcissistic if pointed out correctly, all for craving fame, but still in decadence… I guess they were right about me…

Is what I’ve done to you unforgivable? I get the message, emptiness it’s all that’s left for me this time… Is what I meant to you that forgettable? Better than me of course, better than everything and I’ve done for you because now you can finally sleep… I don’t have to ask, you don’t miss me at all.

The worst part is, you made it so obvious when you slowly walked away, no looking back and with your head standing tall, there was no doubt for me that I’d live with the loneliness, but I want you to know that I’ll never forget the fact that, I was never your best bet.

I thought this would be forever...

Life by many is eternal and they will say that eternity is like the never ending flow of a great river… People are used to thinking that if you don’t have something to hold onto, it’ll pull you under with all the sorrows, I can’t simply seem to believe such thing.

It’s a sad way to see things and I see everything, like it’s the same. Eternity is probably made of all the things that happened, and the things that didn’t, all the objects that fill space, and the nothingness. (Nothingness can be often found in people’s head <- fun fact)

When you achieve something in the end you’ll simply lose it, so don’t attach and depend of those things, in the end it’s all simple, it’s NOTHING… I like to think that I’ve got nothing to lose, that incites me to take more risks and to obviously try new things.

In the past I used to live saying that I had almost all that a man could have, that I just needed one more thing to fulfill my dreams. But with time, I learned that things weren’t that way, I was wrong, I didn’t own the things, those things owned me.

With time I came to develop many theories of how my life works, I’ve taken notice of several problems and I realized that many can not be fixed by now… since I noticed this, I decided to live with the only thing that I’ve always had and that never left… that’s myself.

Running in despair some years ago, I found myself the perfect place for living. I built myself a glass prison where to stay, away from people. Numbness, is something I could live with, but I can’t seem to be able to live with you.